Numero Cinco

And it's been a HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY 5 MONTHS!

It feels like only a couple weeks ago that I wrote about our 4-month anniversary... time is flying by!

I still don't have a clue what to say when people ask me those deep marriage questions. It's still new to me! I haven't even changed my last name to Kahng, yet... lol But...

There's one thing I want to write about, but am kind of hesitant to because we've only been married for five months. And what would I know about marriage after only 5 months? But what kind of person would I be if I made you curious and didn't talk about it... so I'm gonna talk about it anyway! I wouldn't know what to say if you asked for marriage advice, but there is one thing I think I learned earlier on in our marriage. And that's marriage takes work.

Big whoop. No surprise there. We hear it all the time, I know. 

But I feel like it's different when you actually start to experience it, as it is with all things.

Dating took work, but I think marriage is a whole different story.

I guess "work" can mean a lot of different things in a lot of different ways, but this is just one of the ways I interpret "work." And that's working to fight negative emotions/thoughts that come from... I don't know... Satan?

After our wedding, we went on our honeymoon to Mexico for a week then flew to Washington for another 1.5 weeks. It was just go-go-go without much time to actually let this whole marriage thing sink in. It was when we got back to Utah that Justin and I were finally alone in our apartment. I swear to you, 50% of my emotions were just hormones, but the other 50% were not. 

After a few days of settling in, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew what sadness felt like, but I never knew what depression felt like. Am I positive I was really having a mini depression, if there even is such a thing? I don't know.. But the feelings were more than just sadness. 

It probably lasted about a week or two, and it could've been for a million different reasons. 

One reason was probably because Justin went straight back to work, and I was at home looking for jobs and feeling a little useless. Either way... the feeling was there and I couldn't get rid of it. 

I felt so bad that I couldn't even hide it from Justin... and he thought it was his fault when it really wasn't. I would literally wake up and just cry for no reason. I wouldn't want to stay inside all day. I took extra time grocery shopping. I wanted to be with other people, etc, all in hopes to take my mind off of whatever negative emotions I was feeling. Just to clear things up, Justin and I didn't fight or argue at all during this time. We still don't LOL If anything, Justin was the most supportive and loving he could've ever been. It was just a battle between me and my emotions. 

I don't remember what exactly it was that helped me get over it. It might've just been time, but I remember I really had to fight whatever negative thoughts I was having that could've robbed us of our happiness. And it was after that experience that I truly realized how much I had to rely on our Heavenly Father and how much effort went into a happy marriage. Also, luckily, it hasn't happened since then..

For us, most of the time it's easy to just be happy and love each other to no end. But there are times that we have to seek out the Lord's hand more than we might think, whether it's to have more patience or more love for one another. Justin and I still lack in so many areas as a couple, and we know that - it's an eternal progression - but we both continue to work with an eternal perspective in mind. 

But I share that experience because, as happy as I am right now, let's be honest, marriage won't always be so blissful. Some of you may never have that happen to you, and I would never wish those kinds of feelings on anybody, but some of you might experience it; perhaps much worse than what I went through. As Elder Holland said, "Drink that bitter cup and be strong." Just know that you're not alone. You're never alone in any bad/sad situation - not just marriage. Keep pushing, keep pressing, and keep enduring, because it really will be just a "small" moment.

That didn't seem like such a "happy 5 month anniversary" post and I don't even know if it all made sense, but I wanted to give you guys a break from gushing over Justin hahaa 

Marriage really is such a wonderful blessing given to us, but what makes it a truly sacred gift is by always putting Heavenly Father on top. And that will always take some work on both parts.