Being a Mom

Something I firmly believe I was not born to do hahaha

It's already been almost two months since Leah joined our little family, and can I just say what all the other moms have probably said?

It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Harder than school, harder than the hardest tests I've taken, harder than working, harder than getting rejected, harder than anything...

Except I'm not quite at the point where other moms on social media seem to be.

You know, absolutely loving every second of it?

The exhaustion is real.

I've pulled a couple all-nighters in my life.

There were many consecutive nights when I got just a few hours of sleep.

But nothing compares to bringing a baby home.

Why?

Because I can't say, "Oh man, I can't wait to get a full night's rest tonight."

Or even... "I can't wait to sleep more once this semester is over." 

Or even this YEAR.

Leah isn't even the worst sleeper.

She's just okay, even though she has her nights where she wants to wake up every hour.

So maybe I'm just not a strong mom candidate.

Either way. It's hard.

10pm is my new midnight, and I can knock out in ten seconds if you let me.

But what makes me feel, what seems like, eternal exhaustion is not the lack of sleep every night.
It's giving my all to this little human.

Everything I do revolves around her.

For me, the sacrifice is the hardest part.

But that's what all moms do, right?

Although I always heard and told myself that having a baby would drastically change my life,

not until Leah was physically in my hands did I understand what being a mom was all about.

Elder Holland said a mother's love for her child is the next closest thing to the pure love of Jesus Christ. That's a big deal!

But I have yet to be qualified to have such love.

To say I'm willingly sacrificing everything at this time in my life for Leah would be a lie.

There have been an endless amount of times, especially in the beginning, that I wished so badly to go back to my pre-mom self. I wanted that freedom back.

Those 9 months of carrying her, which I didn't thoroughly enjoy, seems like nothing.

But what keeps me going right now, is that I know it will be worth it.

And it will get better.

Despite the rough nights, the rough days, the rough hours of crying, it will all be worth it.

It is worth it.