Miscarriage Story
I'm sharing my experience in hopes of helping someone... maybe today, maybe some time in the future. I want them to know that it's completely okay to be sad over a miscarriage.
I want them to know that they're not alone.
There are definitely worse things to happen than a miscarriage...
But there is real sadness and grief in a miscarriage.
There is real pain in losing a baby you never got to hold in your arms.
So if none of the words below matter, just know that.
I want them to know that they're not alone.
There are definitely worse things to happen than a miscarriage...
But there is real sadness and grief in a miscarriage.
There is real pain in losing a baby you never got to hold in your arms.
So if none of the words below matter, just know that.
It's going to be a LONG one.
Oh man... where do I begin...
I can't remember if it was right before I found out I was pregnant or if it was right after I found out I was pregnant... but I remember having a dream where I had a miscarriage. Before I actually found out I was having a miscarriage, I blew that dream off as one of those... "I just really want to have this baby, so I really really hope I don't miscarry" types of dreams... I thought I was just overthinking it. And if I were still pregnant, I would've still thought it was just a dream that had no meaning. Do I feel like it meant something now? I don't know... maybe? But it doesn't matter now.
I found out I was pregnant Sunday, October 29, 2017. I was beyond excited. I don't know how to explain it. I was just so happy. I told Justin, I told our parents, and siblings, and I couldn't wait to hear his/her heartbeat, find out the gender, announce it to friends, see Leah as a big sister, all that jazz. When I took the pregnancy test, I was about 4 weeks pregnant and had zero symptoms. Except for maybe noticing a bigger pudge in my stomach. Didn't know if that was from all the Hot Cheetos I've been eating, or if it was actually a baby growing.. haha
Weeks 5, 6, and 7 went by with no symptoms. Except maybe having to pee more than the normal. Other than that, no morning sickness... nothing. I was obviously happy because whoever doesn't have morning sickness (aka all day sickness) during pregnancy is one lucky momma. With Leah I felt the nausea come around 6 weeks, but just thought I was "luckier" this time around.
It was a couple days before Thanksgiving and I noticed spotting. It was barely anything and I thought, "This is normal during pregnancy. It's not a big deal." But I felt slightly worried. Who wouldn't, right? The next day, slightly more spotting. More worry. Then Thanksgiving morning, it was enough to want to wear a pad "just to be safe." That morning was when I started expecting the worst. I told Justin, "I think I'm going to miscarry." But I hadn't lost all hope at that point. I still wanted that baby so bad and thought, "This could be normal. Other people have bled more and their baby was fine." Being that it was Thanksgiving weekend and the doctor's office was closed, I waited. I figured if I was miscarrying, going to the ER would do nothing for me.
Sunday rolled around, the bleeding was increasing slightly each day with very mild cramping in my back. I was sitting with Justin and Leah at church waiting for our meeting to start, and for whatever reason the confirmation came, "My body is going through a miscarriage right now. I lost the baby." I tried to hold the tears back for so long... but that "so long" only lasted about 10 minutes before the tears just came down. It was probably one of the worst feelings... but not long after, I also felt a peace come over me. That feeling didn't tell me that I wasn't having a miscarriage. It just told me, "Everything is going to be okay."
As much as I know that "everything is going to be okay," it was still nice to know that Heavenly Father was giving me comfort and acknowledging my sadness. It didn't take away that pain I was feeling at the time, but it was still enough comfort to depend on that peaceful feeling as I was grieving.
As much as I know that "everything is going to be okay," it was still nice to know that Heavenly Father was giving me comfort and acknowledging my sadness. It didn't take away that pain I was feeling at the time, but it was still enough comfort to depend on that peaceful feeling as I was grieving.
I called the doctor's office that next morning and made an appointment for the same day. I went in talking to the nurses like it was confirmed I was miscarrying, but they kept talking back like the baby was just fine. I was hoping that was the day I would have some closure. I know they're doing their job and I know they aren't supposed to make assumptions, but it was frustrating to not know at the time. I had an ultrasound, she couldn't find a heartbeat. The baby was also measuring small. She checked my cervix. She said my cervix was still closed, but there was some bleeding and tissue. But still no answer. Frustrating. Especially because I was 99% sure I was going through a miscarriage. So I had to get my blood drawn. Got my blood drawn, waited the next day for the lab results. According to my hcg levels, I was still pregnant. So I went in Wednesday, got my blood drawn again to see if my levels would go up or down. If it went up, I was pregnant; if it went down, I was having a miscarriage.
Thursday, I got the call, and my levels dropped. Miscarriage. At that point, it was no surprise. The bleeding was increasing, and I was just wanting confirmation at that point. The sadness was still there and I was most definitely still grieving the loss. But we scheduled an appointment the next day (Friday) for an ultrasound. And that was the hardest day for me.
I went in to the office on Friday and had a regular ultrasound. The technician couldn't find a heartbeat, and the baby didn't grow since earlier that week. But to make sure, she did a transvaginal ultrasound. That was fun... It wasn't. The miscarriage was confirmed. It was estimated that the baby stopped growing around 6 weeks. She got a doctor to talk to us. When the technician and doctor came back into the room, the doctor was the same one who delivered Leah. And I loved that doctor. While I respected all the doctors I've met with previously, as I know they're very knowledgeable and I trust them all... but the doctor that delivered Leah has so much compassion. And that's one trait that separates a good doctor from a great doctor.
I felt fine up to that point, and then the doctor asked, "How are you doing?" And in less than a second, the tears started rolling. Embarrassing, but not really. I think meeting with that specific doctor was a tender mercy. We talked about what happened, that it was no longer a viable pregnancy and options to help my body pass everything. There was 1) to let my body pass everything naturally. 2) take medicine (cytotec) to help my body pass everything. And 3) a d & c where they surgically remove everything. Since my body was already in the process of passing things, I told the doctor I'd try it natural first. So with that, we went home.
For whatever reason, that day was so hard. Friday, December 1st. Justin had not received any news from dental schools that day, which was hard for him, and the closure we got from the doctor made it feel so much more real. That day was when I cried hard. We told our families and their loving words made me cry. Looking at Leah made me cry. Thinking about what could have been made me cry. But we tried to distract ourselves and not be sad all day, so we went out.
Not too long after we left the doctor's office, I started thinking, "Why prolong this miscarriage. Why don't I just take the medicine and help my body pass everything as soon as possible?" So I decided to get the prescription for cytotec that following Monday.
What scared me about taking the medicine was that I heard it was painful. It basically causes contractions and makes your body pass everything within hours. But if all of this would finally be over in a day, then I was willing.
I got the prescription on Tuesday and decided I would take the first dose Wednesday morning. Right before I took the medicine, I almost felt at peace and was excited for complete closure. I had heard that the medicine kicks in within 15 minutes, so I prepared myself and laid on the bed. 15 minutes passed, 30 minutes passed, hours had passed and nothing was happening to my body. I took 3 doses, and nothing happened. I might've passed a couple clots, but nothing crazy. I was disappointed, to say the least. The bleeding continued.
The doctor's office called the next day to check if anything had happened, and I told them nothing happened. So I went in for another blood draw to check my hcg levels. The next day they called me and said it dropped since my last one a week ago. The next day, I went back for another blood draw. The next day, they said it was still dropping, so that was good. Then they told me to take a pregnancy test the following week to see if it would be + or -.
The next week rolled around and I took a pregnancy test... hoping for a negative, but it came back positive. The doctor called again and I told them it was positive. I went in for another blood draw. Levels continued to drop.
They told me to wait another week to take another pregnancy test. I was still bleeding. But thankfully, that next week (the Thursday before Christmas) I took another pregnancy test, and it came back negative. Still bleeding, but felt relieved. Since we were leaving for Seattle the next day, I made a follow-up appointment for when we got back to Utah.
It was Christmas day when I felt sure that my bleeding had finally stopped. One month for my body to pass everything out.
We came back to Utah, went to my appointment (Thursday, Jan. 4th), and took another pregnancy test just to make sure. And it came back negative.
It was finally over.
I've taken time to be sad over it, cry over it, and to be mad over it.
I think I've moved on, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still sad about it.
While I'm fine 99% of the time, there are times when I think how far along I would've been, or how it would've been the "perfect time," etc., and it sucks.
That's the best way I can describe my miscarriage. It sucks. It really really sucks.
But... at the same time... I'm a true believer of "everything happens for a reason".... and everything works out in the end. It always does.
Time is truly the best medicine.
I'm so grateful for the peace I feel in times of sadness, worry, and pain.
I'm still so grateful for my perfect, little daughter and my supportive, loving husband.
I've learned time and time again...
In times when you can't control the situation, "Come what may and love it."
I felt fine up to that point, and then the doctor asked, "How are you doing?" And in less than a second, the tears started rolling. Embarrassing, but not really. I think meeting with that specific doctor was a tender mercy. We talked about what happened, that it was no longer a viable pregnancy and options to help my body pass everything. There was 1) to let my body pass everything naturally. 2) take medicine (cytotec) to help my body pass everything. And 3) a d & c where they surgically remove everything. Since my body was already in the process of passing things, I told the doctor I'd try it natural first. So with that, we went home.
For whatever reason, that day was so hard. Friday, December 1st. Justin had not received any news from dental schools that day, which was hard for him, and the closure we got from the doctor made it feel so much more real. That day was when I cried hard. We told our families and their loving words made me cry. Looking at Leah made me cry. Thinking about what could have been made me cry. But we tried to distract ourselves and not be sad all day, so we went out.
Not too long after we left the doctor's office, I started thinking, "Why prolong this miscarriage. Why don't I just take the medicine and help my body pass everything as soon as possible?" So I decided to get the prescription for cytotec that following Monday.
What scared me about taking the medicine was that I heard it was painful. It basically causes contractions and makes your body pass everything within hours. But if all of this would finally be over in a day, then I was willing.
I got the prescription on Tuesday and decided I would take the first dose Wednesday morning. Right before I took the medicine, I almost felt at peace and was excited for complete closure. I had heard that the medicine kicks in within 15 minutes, so I prepared myself and laid on the bed. 15 minutes passed, 30 minutes passed, hours had passed and nothing was happening to my body. I took 3 doses, and nothing happened. I might've passed a couple clots, but nothing crazy. I was disappointed, to say the least. The bleeding continued.
The doctor's office called the next day to check if anything had happened, and I told them nothing happened. So I went in for another blood draw to check my hcg levels. The next day they called me and said it dropped since my last one a week ago. The next day, I went back for another blood draw. The next day, they said it was still dropping, so that was good. Then they told me to take a pregnancy test the following week to see if it would be + or -.
The next week rolled around and I took a pregnancy test... hoping for a negative, but it came back positive. The doctor called again and I told them it was positive. I went in for another blood draw. Levels continued to drop.
They told me to wait another week to take another pregnancy test. I was still bleeding. But thankfully, that next week (the Thursday before Christmas) I took another pregnancy test, and it came back negative. Still bleeding, but felt relieved. Since we were leaving for Seattle the next day, I made a follow-up appointment for when we got back to Utah.
It was Christmas day when I felt sure that my bleeding had finally stopped. One month for my body to pass everything out.
We came back to Utah, went to my appointment (Thursday, Jan. 4th), and took another pregnancy test just to make sure. And it came back negative.
It was finally over.
I've taken time to be sad over it, cry over it, and to be mad over it.
I think I've moved on, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still sad about it.
While I'm fine 99% of the time, there are times when I think how far along I would've been, or how it would've been the "perfect time," etc., and it sucks.
That's the best way I can describe my miscarriage. It sucks. It really really sucks.
But... at the same time... I'm a true believer of "everything happens for a reason".... and everything works out in the end. It always does.
Time is truly the best medicine.
I'm so grateful for the peace I feel in times of sadness, worry, and pain.
I'm still so grateful for my perfect, little daughter and my supportive, loving husband.
I've learned time and time again...
In times when you can't control the situation, "Come what may and love it."
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